Monday, October 20, 2008

Several Sources Revealed!!!

In an amazing revelation in the sports world today, the identity of one of the greatest insiders was finally revealed to the world, vindicating rumor-mongering journalists trying to defend their integrity while trying to protect their info.

Yes, today, Mr. Several Sources, a retired tool and die maker from Yazoo City, Missouri, stepped forward and introduced himself to an eager sports world.

"I'm really not sure how to take all this," said Mr. Sources, who was surrounded by dozens of microphones for his coming-out party. "But I'm glad you can all finally put a face to all the rumors that you hear."

For many years, members of the mainstream "entertainment sports media" have often broken controversial, unbelievable, or simply polarizing stories to the masses, often causing overreactions, wailing and gnashing of teeth, and holes in the ozone layer.

"Lemmings, they all are," said Sources with a chuckle. "They believe anything you tell 'em, especially if it's what they want to hear."

But after years of watching former high-school nerds making names for themselves based on his story tips, Sources felt it was time for him to cash in on a piece of the pie.

"Just a couple weeks ago, I told Chris Mortenson over at ESPN that Manning was out..out for like a month," said Sources, "And he didn't believe me.

"He says, 'How do I tell everyone that I'm right? What if they don't believe me?', and I tells him, 'Okay, Chris, if they ask where you got it from, just use my name. Tell them you got it from Several Sources. Straight from the horse's mouth."

Sources is an expert on most things in the sports world, but apparently, there isn't anything he is more knowledgeable about than all things Brett Favre. For years, he has fed the entertainment sports media with fantastic tidbits about every bit of minutia that Favre has ever done or said. And, he's always received credit, because anytime there is a retirement announcement, a cell phone issue, or a reported insider trading with other teams, the report is always attributed to Several Sources.

But that is all about to end, and the sports entertainment media members are in anguish over it. Sources is about to send up his own website,, which is going to run all of his own rumors direct from the, pardon the pun, source.

"I don't know much about the Internet, " says Sources, "so luckily, I gots some other members of my family to help me out with the writing. My brother, Multiple, is going to be doing some of the writing, while both my kids, Insider and Unnamed will be keeping up the RSS feed. That will keep me freed up to focus all my attention on what Favre is doing next."

Many national media members have decried this move, as they now realize that all of their Sources for the best rumors will now be directly available to the public.

"We have worked so hard to keep our Sources protected," say Jay Glazer, FOX columnist, "And now since all of our Sources have been revealed, people no longer need us! What can we do now, if we can't report rumors to the public??? We might have to just resort to report the news, like we did back when sports media was credible!"

Despite the angst, Several Sources reports that this is going to a lot of fun for his whole family.

In fact, Multiple Sources insists that Peyton Manning has hired a shaman to exorcise all of the bad karma in his right arm. Insider Sources has stated that Pac Man Jones has legally changed his name to "Centipede". And Unnamed Sources has reported that AJ Hawk is actually Tony Mandarich's love child with Courtney Love.

And the latest report from the website, that Tony Romo has dumped Jessica Simpson for Margo Dydek, on a suggestion from a phone call from Brett Favre?

"That was written by my cousin, Anonymous," says Several Sources.

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